For the past year or so, I have been really interested in Natural Healing and Holistic Medicine. Since everyone has suddenly become really into healthcare because of the healthcare debate, I thought I would add my two cents worth, so that the two and a half people who read this will know what I think.

My philosophy can be broken down into a few simple principles:

1. The food we eat is poop.

This means that all of the processed goodies that we have come to love so much like Chicken pot pies, Canned Meats, Froot Loops Cereal, Tater Tots, Diet Coke, etc. is actually really bad for you. You body is not meant to eat partially hydrogenated oils, artificial sweeteners, MSG, artificial colors, and whatever. If you can’t pronounce it, it usually means that it is poop for your body. Even things that you really would think are good like seasonings, some granola bars, and ice cream and not made to be handled by your body.

When you eat it, your digestive system breaks it down (for some of you it doesn’t even do that very well) and then the ingredients that were so tasty on the way in and now being processed by organs like you liver, colon, and kidney. They get this artificial  food and say “Hey, what the **** is this ****? What the **** am I supposed to do with aspartame??” The cuss words belong there, because your colon is really ticked off by it. Since poor Mr. Colon doesn’t know what to do with this ****, he either sends it to another part of the body to deal with (soft tissues like the breast, sometimes the brain, whichever part will take it), or he keeps what he can of it and flushes the rest. It’s a bad day to be a colon, and a bad day to be the guy who eats all of the poop (which is most of us).

Why is all of our food poop? Where did the real food go? Well, the food production industry is just that- an industry. Companies like Kraft, ConAgra, Nestle, etc. are in existence to make a profit. As much as we would like to believe that they have Mr. Colon’s best interest at heart, the fact is that they are publicly traded companies,  who have a responsibility to their shareholders to make a profit. They’re a business, they can’t help it. Artificial stuff is cheap, keeps food from spoiling, and makes it taste better. Our tongues and wallets are happy, and the real victims are our friends Mr. Colon, Mr. Liver, and the rest of the body.

2. Medicine is a business.

Just like the poopy food we eat  is made for profits, so is the medicine we take.Pharmaceutical companies are also publicly traded companies, who have a responsibility to their share holders to make a profit. When a new drug is released and it is popular, it makes billions of dollars for that companies. Have you ever wondered why they have advertisements for medication? Because patients are ultimately consumers. If they think they have restless leg syndrome, they will go to their doctor, request the medicine for it, and if the doctor says no, they will go to another one who will give them the drugs they want. The pharmaceutical companies want you to want their medicine. Why? Because they really think that millions are suffering needlessly with acute restless leg syndrome?? (Do any of you actually know someone who has that?) No- because they want people to see that commercial and say, “You know- my leg sure has been feeling restless. I bet I have that. I am going to make an appointment with my doctor”, instead of “Gee- my leg is restless – maybe I should get off of my fat behind and go for a run or something”.

3. Medicine is a very profitable business

We seem to be arguing a lot about the cost of healthcare these days. And it costs a LOT. A whole heck of a LOT. Why? Because medical treatments are very expensive. Why are they expensive? Because the pharmaceutical companies have to spend a lot of time researching the medicine to make sure it works. It’s not that the actual chemicals used in the process are all that expensive- penicillin is mold, which is pretty cheap depending on how much bread you leave in a wet place, and yet penicillin based drugs cost people who need them a lot more than they should. The pharmaceutical companies are making a huge profit. When I say HUGE, I mean like in the 20-30% profit range. That is after they pay all of their big wig executives, all of their research and development, all of their advertisement, and even all of their pharmaceutical reps. 30% profit!

And it’s not just the pharmaceutical companies. Imagine what would happen economically if a cure for cancer was found. In 1988, The American Cancer Society held a fund balance of $400 million. $90 million of that went to the research and prevention fund and  the rest of it- a staggering $310 million went to operating expenses (salaries, buildings, etc). The CEO alone makes $1,101,119 plus expenses. WTF!?! Do you know how pissed off he and everyone else who works for the ACS would be if a cure for cancer was found? What about Oncologists, Cancer Treatment Centers, and everyone else who would be financially in trouble if cancer was suddenly eradicated?

Our spending as a nation has doubled in the past decade and to what results? There’s still cancer, heart disease, and all of the major issues we have always dealt with- and now there are hundreds of more new diseases being diagnosed and discovered each day. Why is more money and more research being done with fewer and fewer results? Good question.

4. Medicine can be poop too.

What about side effects?  The fact is  that taking some medicines may solve one problem, but cause three others. We’ve all had them. I took cephlasporin for a sinus infection, and I had an allergic reaction to it. I broke out in hives, and my infection became more serious due to the fact that my body was so broken down it couldn’t fight the infection on its own anymore. That’s what happens when you put artificial stuff in your body. The pills went into my stomach, and when they got to my colon, it said “Oh hell naw- I ain’t dealing with this ****”, so it sent it to another part of my body, most likely my pancreas or some other part of my adrenal system, and the pancreas took it. Then poor Mr. Pancreas said, “Good Grief- I don’t know what to do with this!” and got mad and gave me hives. Meanwhile, my body is dealing with this issue,  so it forgets to send extra white blood cells to my infected nasal cavities to fight that off. The sinus infection won. My body lost.

Why is it that every drug comes with side effects- most common are headache, dry mouth, or fatigue. They don’t mention a pissed off colon or adrenal system, but they are there too. Instead of taking time to look at why you are really sick in the first place, we ask doctors to fix the issue right away. We don’t want to find out why our legs are restless, but we want them to be still again, so we can go back to watching American Idol in peace. And whatever you do- DON”T ask us to change our diet or quit smoking or make use do anything physical. Frankly, giving up Krispy Kreme donuts and diet coke for breakfast is way worse than having a restless leg and a pissed off colon. We don’t need to see our feet anymore anyway.

5. Poop Food + Poop Medicine  = Sick People

Now I believe that conventional medicine has its’ place, and it has helped many people get better, but if we eat good food and don’t get sick, we don’t need a doctor in the first place. It seems like a given to my generation that you are going to get old and fat, have heart disease, cancer, or some combination of the two and die. It wasn’t always that way, though. People my great-grandparent’s age lived a really long time. Back then, you died of war wounds, or getting run over by a horse and buggy or the plague –  not from complications due to fibromyalgia, or liver cancer, or heart disease.

If you take care of your body, it will return the favor. If you read nothing else, please believe me when I say that you can have a long healthy life, with a sharp mind and active body. It’s not the lazy way out and it takes work, but it can be done.

So any healthcare reform that prevents illness by providing better foods and natural alternatives to medicine gets my vote. I doubt the American Cancer Society will back me on this one.