There have been changes afoot in the Bethea house. More than usual, even. Which is why I haven’t sat down to write anything since July. In reality, I haven’t sat down since July for any reason. But change is a-comin’ and that is worth writing about.

Some things have not changed: Yes, I am still growing our second baby in my uterus. This one happens to be a boy. No, that baby boy doesn’t make me want to vomit anymore. Yes, we still live in a really small town and the only time I leave the house is to go to work or Wal-Mart. Seriously.

It is true- I have not become fabulous or intriguing yet. Sorry to get your hopes up.

But intriguing or not, Chris and I have decided that it is time to figure out what we want to do with our lives. This should have been done a long time ago, like high school, college, or even before we had kids, but we are just now getting to it. Don’t judge. This stage is hard and a little scary because we have no idea where to go or what to do, or how to function in this state of unknown.

It makes me think of Alice in Wonderland. One day she is minding her own business and a white rabbit comes along and drags her off to Wonderland. But Alice had it easy. At every step along  the way, she had some guidance at to what he next step should be. She ends up in a room full of doors that she can’t fit through and what happens? A bottle appears that says ‘Drink Me’. She does and shrinks to be small enough to fit through the door.  But then she realizes that she forgets the key to the tiny door, and what happens? A little cake appears that says ‘Eat Me’. And bam- just like that she eats it and gets big enough to get the key.

Thanks to YouTube, you can watch this happening in my childhood-favorite version of Alice in Wonderland from the 80’s.

For some reason it wouldn’t let me embed the video, so you will have to click this link to watch.

Besides the fact that Alice almost drowns herself in a river of her own tears, it all seems so easy. Who put that cake and that drink there for her? The Queen? The Cheshire Cat? Magic? God? Who do I need to call to get cakes to show up at my door?

She needs a next step and a next step appears. Wouldn’t it be swell if I opened my mailbox tomorrow and a little envelope appeared that gave imperative statements about what I needed to do next?

Yes. It would. But it won’t happen. And (story of my life) I have to be okay with that.

Because you have to fumble around in the dark for a while to earn the joy that light brings (yes, I’ve blogged this same idea before). It’s the not-knowing that lays the foundation for knowledge to build on.  If every time I was unsure about something I got a bottle of juice, or an ‘eat me’ cake or a list of imperatives that gave me the next step, I’d never have to settle into the uncomfortable parts of myself. I’d never have to stare the unknown in the face and grit my teeth and truly believe that all things work for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purposes. Instead, I’d just naively move from one life station to the next like Alice in Wonderland, waiting for the clue from the Queen-Cheshire Cat-Magic-God that will finally take me home.

Trying to navigate life is what makes it a life and not a checklist. No person, no creature, and no edible is going to come tell my family what we need to do and how we are going to do it. We have to stare into the deep black unknown, grit our teeth, and take a step. Then another. Then another. And the terror and discomfort and confusion that comes along with the darkness will make us more complete human beings at the end of it all. There’s no cake that can substitute character.

So and so change is afoot. Where we go and what we will do is still unknown (even to us), but hopefully soon we can emerge from this state of confusion with an even better understanding of ourselves and how we fit into this big world. Whenever that happens, I’ll have you all over to my fabulous and intriguing home and we can celebrate with a cake that says ‘Eat Me’.