Last week, I did my first round of maternity shopping. I had put it off as long a I could, but the bun in my oven has grown such that it needs a new pan. Or maybe I should say that the oven has outgrown the kitchen?? I’m not really sure how to finish that analogy. Anyway, the point is that I am now too rotund to fit into my clothes anymore (some of which I have owned since high school) so it was time to go out and purchase a few items that will better accommodate the bun. Or oven. Whichever.

I had done a little pre-shopping online just to test the waters and see what is out there. Much to my dismay, I was actually very correct in my earlier assumption that most maternity clothes are indeed a close relative to the boat sail. If it doesn’t look like a boat sail, then it looks like a larger version of a dress from the little girl’s department. There is no middle ground.  It’s as if the non-pregnant maternity designers of the world banned together and said, “We don’t believe your self esteem is suffering enough right now- you need to be fat and absurdly dressed to feel the true essence of womanhood. So let’s take this cute little empire waist number that our niece wore to the last Hannah Montana concert, make the bust large enough to smuggle two melons from the produce aisle, and for the piece de resistance, tie a bow around the belly so you look like one of those Christmas gift hams on an episode of iCarly. Perfect! Now you understand the true essence of womanhood.”

Not only that, but if you find something that doesn’t look like an iCarly Christmas Ham, it costs over $100. At this point, we are not sure how we are going to pay for the actual baby, not even considering what I am going to cover up in before it comes.

So what did I do? Well I went maternity shopping. But I didn’t go to a maternity store. Instead, I hit up the sales racks of my favorite pre-pregnancy establishments and did my best to find clothes that will have ample room and stretch for my new bun/oven. Thankfully, billowy clothes are in style right now, so I was able to find a few good things to wear. In case you are pregnant, or will be sometime in the not too distant future, here is my short list of clothes that I found effective.

• Maxi Dresses : they’re long, stretchy, and will work for warm weather, or cold weather with a sweater.
• Long sweaters : They’ve been my favorite solution for plumber’s butt for some time, but now, since they are nice and long, will actually look like a normal sweater on someone who has an enormous belly. Just make sure you get some lycra in that bad boy.
• Cropped Sweaters: (Some call them the shrug) are great for layering with a long tank top from the summer or an empire waist dress that still fits. Hook that up with some boots (for casual) or high heels (for dressy) and you have something you can wear when it is cold.
• Accessories: these are the one thing that you won’t get too fat for (unless your feet swell up too big to wear your old shoes ((in that case, my condolences to you)) ) so go crazy with scarves, shoes, earrings, bags, whatever. You can actually wear the same black maternity dress that you like every day for a month and accessorize it differently so that you are never wearing the same look twice. Don’t believe me?? Then read this article!
• The Bella Band: This is the only designated maternity item on the list- it’s a tube of stretchy cotton that you can put over the button and zipper of your pants that won’t button or zip anymore, which helps them stay up. It’s a great way to get more life out of your pre-preg jeans. I happened to make my own ghetto bella band by cutting the top out of a pair of black tights and just wearing that over my pants. It’s a temporary solution, and I can foresee the day when I will no longer be able to get the ghetto-bella up my legs and over my butt. But for now, it works.

So those are my findings for now. Let me know if any of you have other suggestions that might work. Until then, the jerks at the maternity designing institute can stick that in their oven and bake it. While they watch iCarly.