Written September 21, 2009.

So it has been a few weeks, and we have had time to settle in to the news. In May, we will be parents. I have ordered several books and already watched my fair share of videos of women with humans squirting out of their bottoms. The more of these films I watch, the more I believe that we are aliens. There has got to be a civilized alternate universe out there where  babies hatch out of eggs and mothers sit around sipping tea and laughing about stories they have heard where babies squish out of womens’ crevices. Those alternate universe mothers would chuckle to themselves and think, “That’s gross- what kind of alien would do such a thing?”

Well, I’ll tell you.

I am curious to know if we all had it easier before the fall of man. In Genesis 3:16 God tells Eve, “I will greatly increase your pains in childbearing; with pain will you give birth to children. ” Does that mean that it didn’t hurt before then? If  Eve had Cain and Abel before fall would she have gotten to sit on an egg and hatch it? Or was the oddity of the birth canal a reality before all of that sin stuff happened? Could she have just sneezed and BAM- a baby shoots out? Did she know what kind of pain God was talking about when He said that?

I bet not. I think if she had known what was coming for her, that fruit wouldn’t have looked so tempting. Here’s how the convo should have gone down, had Eve known what she was in for:

Satan-snake: Hey- that fruit looks good- you should eat some.
Eve: God said not to. He said that if I ate from that tree bad things would happen.
Satan-snake: Nah- I wouldn’t worry about that. God doesn’t know what he’s talking about.
Eve: No seriously- he said that if I ate of the tree, I’d get kicked out of paradise and have pain in childbirth.
Satan-snake: Pain in childbirth? Come on- that is a load of crap. He’s just saying that to scare you.
Eve: Whatever! It’d be like you pushing a thanksgiving turkey out of your tiny snake bumhole. Have you ever pushed a thanksgiving turkey out of your bumhole, Snake?
Satan-snake:  Oh. Um, well, it won’t hurt like God says it will. He’s just kidding you.
Eve: Turkey. Out. Of. Bumhole.
Satan: Okay fine. You’re right. The fruit is totally not worth it. I’m out.

If only homegirl had known. If only she had seen what I have seen. But, like in so many things, Eve’s ignorance spelled trouble for the rest of us.

So here we are, alien creatures, screaming, sweating, moaning, and clawing the walls on all fours while a pinkish purple mutant goo ball emerges from our bottoms attached to a bright blue pulsating life cord. Science fiction has nothing on this stuff. We are aliens. Wether we would have still been subject to all of this weirdness before the fall is a question that I will never have answered here on Earth. So until I know for sure, I will picture the alternate universe mothers sitting on their eggs and sipping tea and laughing hysterically.

“Hahahah! My cousin heard it was like a turkey coming out of a bumhole! Hahahah! How bizarre!! HAHAH HAHAHAH HAHA!!!”

Turkey. Out. Of. Bumhole.